Failure to Launch, Part 1: When Helping Your Adult Kids Hurts Them
If you have adult children living in the home, you’re part of a growing trend. The Pew Research Center reports that the number of multigenerational homes has quadrupled since the 1970s. Nearly one-third of adults ages 25 to 29 live in multigenerational homes—in most cases, with mom and dad.
Finances are the most common factor cited in the report. Even as the economy recovers from the COVID-19 pandemic, housing supplies are tight, and both rent and mortgages are increasing. Add in massive student debt and inflation, and we’re not surprised that so many adult kids have moved back in with their parents.
Yet, as financial advisors, we have raised a red flag of caution. There’s a fine line between empowering our children to improve their lives and enabling them so they become dependent on us. We don’t intend to enable our children, of course. We just don’t want them to suffer. Unfortunately, the situation can easily turn detrimental.
In this first article of a two-part series, we look at how “failure to launch” can help kids fail. We discuss when moving back home can benefit your child, and when it won’t. We also provide resources if you’ve decided enough is enough and want to encourage your stay-at-home son or daughter into independence.
How Failure to Launch Can Hurt Your Adult Child
As parents, we are tasked with helping our children become fully functioning members of society. Sometimes, that means they need to come back home for a while.
However, mom and dad’s home can be a comfortable place to stay. Sometimes it can be too comfortable. And rather than feeling like this arrangement is a temporary regrouping, they settle in.
They don’t feel inclined to seek employment or housing. They lose motivation. They don’t learn valuable skills, such as budgeting. They don’t learn from their mistakes.
In short, they remain a child—even when they left childhood years ago.
When It’s OK to Move Back Home
Sometimes you can help give your adult son or daughter a leg up in life by letting them stay with you for a time. Perhaps they need to get their bearings after a financially disastrous divorce or business failure. Or maybe they want to save toward a down payment on a home or pay down college debt so they can afford to live on their own.
As a parent, you want to help them get on their feet again. The understanding is that they’ll move out once they do get on their feet. Meanwhile, the child is employed (or making active efforts to find employment), respects your rules, and contributes to the household, either financially or through chores and other responsibilities.
When It’s Not OK
Even if you and your child have good intentions, you may find the arrangement goes south. If you feel emotionally or financially drained, you will want to take steps. Signs that your child is taking advantage of the living arrangement include:
Drug or alcohol abuse
Failure to obey your rules
Not helping with the running of the household
Failure to get and stay employed
Constant borrowing of money
Emotional, mental, or physical abuse
What to Do in “Failure to Launch” Situations
Failure to launch is serious. It can leave you depressed and imperil your retirement (more about this in Part 2). It also can turn your efforts to help your child into a situation that enables them to fail.
If you face failure to launch, you may want to talk to a therapist about the appropriate action steps. A therapist can help you implement good communication and boundaries while setting up steps for your child to achieve independence.
You can also talk to your financial advisor to help ensure you are OK financially. If financial triage is needed, you should know immediately so you can determine how to stop the bleeding.
The internet can be a great resource in reclaiming your home and life. You might find the following articles helpful in determining an action plan to help your child regain their wings and leave the nest:
“Stop Enabling Your Adult Child, Revisited” by Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, Psychology Today.
“Failure to Launch: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out” by Kim Abraham, LMSW, and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, Empowering Parents.
“Rules, Boundaries, and Older Children: How to Cope with an Adult Child at Home,” James Lehman, MSW, Empowering Parents.
Our Greenwood Village, CO fiduciary financial planning firm has worked with clients who face situations like yours. We help them determine how to appropriately help their adult children without sacrificing their retirement. We offer a complimentary 15-minute call to discuss your financial concerns and share how we may be able to help.
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